On how to irritate a Punjabi

As mentioned in my earlier post, we were in Vegas this weekend; a party of four. A demographical study of the “party” would have revealed three Mallus and a single Punjabi.

Mr. Punjab (we will call him that), a fine testosterone fueled bloke, who was also jobless this weekend, decided to come along with us, for the trip.

His first with us, and by the looks of it, also his last!!!

After studying him in close proximity for two days, I have come up with a list of things to do to irritate “his kind”; raise their blood pressure. It is actually, a very simple process.

Step 1: Speak in Malayalam and laugh a lot when something comical is said or done. Nothing riles them as much as this.

It would be grossly unfair to them, I accept. No doubts about it.

But on the other hand, it would have also been grossly unfair to expect 3 Mallus, who were meeting after sometime to speak in English/Hindi.

I mean, it would have sounded awfully stupid had we talked in English, our usual lines. For example (Mallus would understand the below lines):

Mallu 1: “Hey brother-in-law, vat program?”

Mallu 2: “Hey beggar, living and going”.

Mallu 1: “Hey smelly fellow, you not creating problems?”

Mallu 2: “Hey garbage collecting fellow, I am not your mother’s martial race dude”.

Mallu 1: “Hey characterless fellow, don’t touch there and play”.

Mallu 2: “Hey brother-in-law. You don’t turn into trouble”.

See, that is exactly why we stuck to our good old Malayalam.

Step 2: In the long car journey, play old soulful, melodious Malayalam songs. And you should also sing along. It really increases their blood pressure. Once their BP is precariously high; play some Tamil/Telugu songs; ones of the mass variety. It really can induce Coma, even in the fittest of them. At that point, Mr. Punjab would even be ready to listen to “Himesh’s musik”.

Step 3: Insist that your idea of a vacation is NOT to visit nightclubs; strip clubs or other sleazy massage parlors; but your idea of a vacation is to relax; listen to live jazz music for a couple of hours; to sleep; to watch the “Blue Men” show; to eat a lot of beef etc.

A sample conversation for people who want to dabble in this:

Mallu: “Abe yaar; we are planning to see a show at the Venetian”.

Mr. Punjab: “How much does it cost?”

Mallu: “150 dollars”.

Mr. Punjab: “That much!!! Full naked hai ya half?” (You see, all his thoughts are centered on that)

Mallu: “Hahaha; It is neither. It is basically a sound and light show”.

Mr. Punjab: “Aap log kuch kaam ka nahi hai”.

Or he would say something similar with the same tone of disapproval and a raised eyebrow.

Mr. Punjab would also be strongly under the influence of ethanol and thanks to that, also be strongly under the impression that all the girls have “wonly” come to Vegas to see him. His attire would also change every couple of hours, depending on his mood.

At first, he would think that he looks like Hrithik; then as the evening/night progresses, he would think that he looks like John and after that, by around 4 AM, he would suddenly come to the conclusion that he, in fact looks like Salman and remove his upper body clothing, to expose a fine white banian. He would then proceed to walk around with a gait which would have suited a person with massive shoulders and not him.

Step 4: Take him to a famous restaurant that serves only steak and has live jazz music. The menu should be filled with different dishes; all made up of beef.

A sample conversation would have again, gone like this:

Mallu: “Bhai, order karenge?”

Mr. Punjab: “Abhe yaar, what will I eat here. Everything has beef in it”.

Mallu: “Yes dost, this place is famous for that”

Mr. Punjab: “How do you guys eat beef? I just cannot understand”.

He would then shake his head and finally settle for the only non-beef dish in the whole menu and would not touch it, citing that it tastes horrible.

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So Ladies and Gentlemen, this is exactly what you need to do, to irritate a Punjabi. This is just a beginner’s guide. Let me know if you need the advanced guide as well.

Listening to this song now.